I have received numerous queries asking if I am going to do a Wimbledon Rant this year. I have, on the whole, found this year's tournament somewhat lacklustre with only the odd excitement and upset to enjoy. I have not tuned in as assiduously as I usually do.
There was an article in the Daily Telegraph last week regarding the way the Wimbledon Committee treat the tournament and the general feeling that the actual tennis is not as important as the optics and the prestigiousness of the fortnight. The writer of this piece also lambasted the standard of the commentary. At the last time of looking there were around 1200 comments on the forum and with no more than half a dozen exceptions everyone was in agreement that this year the commentary has been the worst ever.
Now I have watched Wimbledon for years and the level of expertise and knowledge of the entire commentary team has really gone down. Sue Barker, a Grand Slam winner and a woman with an incredible knowledge of the game, retired last year. She had been replaced by the BBC on another programme she had fronted for years, much to the fury of the viewers, and she decided to retire from Wimbledon before she was edged out. The BBC do not have much time for white women in their sixties.
She was replaced as the anchor woman by one Clare Balding who was a racing commentator and is a horse expert. She also comments on Crufts, the annual prestigious dog show. She has never played tennis, her knowledge of the game seems to be culled from google and most seem to find her acutely annoying. But she ticks a diversity box which the Beeb are very keen on so that is that.
New to the team this year is Isa Guha who ticks two diversity boxes. She also happens to be a cricket commentator. True. On the first day of the tournament she was heard asking if there was a difference between playing on a clay court rather than a grass one. Words fail.
The third newcomer ticks another diversity box or two and is, I gather, a presenter of children's tv. I freely admit I have never heard of him. He fronted up Wimbledon Today which used to be an interesting programme but has now turned into a Wimbledon tik tok experience with this guy roaming round the grounds wearing a shirt that looked like it could do with an iron, and burbling into a mike. He says he is a "tennis geek". Well, so am I but that does not mean I am qualified to broadcast on the game.
Then in the commentary box we have a collection of has been ex-British tennis players who have achieved very little but are resurrected every year. I call it the Knackers Yard. The two most prominent members of this collection are Andrew Castle and John Lloyd.
Andrew Castle once took Max Wilander, in his day, to five sets on the Centre Court at Wimbledon. Andrew lost. And that is it.
John Lloyd – John is now an estate agent who lives in Florida. He is wheeled out each year. He at least does have a Wimbledon title as he once won the mixed doubles. He also has the dubious distinction of being one of Chris Evert's husbands. And that is it.
Sam Smith – I gather she is an ex Ladies No 1 from the UK. I have no recollection of her. She has a voice that would put you to sleep. And frequently does.
There is talk of Johanna Konta joining the team. Jeez kill me now.
Ok so who else do we have? Martina Navratilova, a woman for whom I have the utmost respect and admiration. Unfortunately, she never stops and has a droning voice that, like Sam Smith, can send you to sleep.
Tim Henman – he has improved over the years but still has the charisma of a newt. But he is a nice guy and he knows when to be quiet so that is an uptick for him.
Note: I should mention that at Queens, just before Wimbers, Castle and Lloyd were in full flow there and they had the addition of Kyle Edmonds, another knackered ex-Brit whose style of commentary was incredibly awful and made Henman sound like the Master of Quick Wit and Repartee.
We have John McEnroe and he is the best of the lot though that is not saying much, but he is witty and knowledgeable and of course, knows all there is to know about the game. He also used to have a great rapport with Sue.
The other American visitor who turns up with monotonous regularity is Tracy Austin. One wit on the tennis forum I mentioned earlier says she has "the perfect voice for silent movies". It is relenting, it never gives up, it grates, it drives you to screaming pitch. The other night she was partnered with the Sam Smith mentioned above and the two of them did not give up for one moment. In fact, I wondered if they were watching the match at all. I had to mute the sound in the end.
Well I could go on and on and on about the stupidity of the scheduling, the cut off in the evening so matches are left in the balance, the start time on the Centre Court which is purely to allow the fat cats, debenture holders and corporates time to stuff their faces and pig out on strawberries before entering and taking up their FREE seats.
And the Saturday of the first week when the Royal Box is filled with Z level Slebs who are announced portentiously by La Balding and who we all have to clap and cheer. It is toe curlingly awful and I avoid it like the plague.
Well I think that is it except I have to mention the trite and tedious interviews on court after every game when the player is asked "what does this mean to you". I long for the day when the players responds "actually I don't give a shit I just want to go off and have a shower". It will never happen of course but wouldn't it be wonderful if it did?
We are headed for the inevitable final between Djokovic and the newcomer Alcaraz (I keep calling him Alcatraz) who I am already finding annoying with his constant fist pumping.
FInally, yes really finally, Roger Federer. He may not be gracing the courts any more but he graced the Royal Box and was seated next to the Princess of Wales last week. Oh he loved it. He stood up, he waved, he preened, he soaked up the adulation. I am suprised he did not bless us all.
He then spent most of the afternoon sucking up to POW. The camera kept zooming in on Mrs Federer. She did not look happy. In fact if I could have added a balloon coming out of her mouth I am pretty sure it would have said "just wait till I get you home".
Hilarious.
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