Just over a year ago I had a rant about glossy magazines, you know the type, beautiful couples who have done up a house in the middle of nowhere while living in a caravan on site and "sourcing" furniture from "brocantes" in Provence and driving it home in the Volvo blah blah blah.
After these rants I decided enough was enough and gave up buying magazines which was quite a wrench as I have always enjoyed their escapism in a mild sort of way but as they were were practically the price of a book with less enjoyable content I did not suffer unduly. I did feel a pang at not buying Good Housekeeping which I have been reading for fifty years and nearly had a wobble and bought a copy early in the year. Fortunately, Clare Balding was on the cover so had no difficulty in avoiding that issue and the following month the front page featured Fiona Bruce so I was safe.
A year has passed (and what a ghastly year it has been) and as it was coming up to the Festive Season (of which more anon) I decided to dip my toe in the water and buy a couple and then immediately wished I hadn't bothered. Nothing has changed. Full of high achieving women guaranteed to make you feel like a lowly worm and houses restored lovingly with antiques and "bargain buys from the High Street" though how they have managed that when the High Street is closed gives pause for thought.
Anyway one of them said that this year is going to be a "simple" Christmas and this particular magazine tells you a couple of useful tips.
"Green table scaping" – yes really. "Create a living table runner using seasonal potted plants such as cyclamen and finish each place setting with a simple wreath". Just remember to remove it before you start eating…
Warm welcome – "hang garlands of evergreen foliage from bannisters for a fuller look and accessorise them with baubles, twinkling fairy lights and smart ribbons" Please note thay must be smart so put the crappy stuff away.
Under this picture you will see that "the charcoal painted bannisters make the greenery really pop" so if you have them painted a different colour you need to nip out quick get a tin of paint and get cracking. Of course, if you live in an apartment then you need not bother.
I had a bit of a snigger about all this and threw the magazine in the bin thinking what utter crap and what else would be dreamed up for us all in this Year of The Plague. I opened up my paper and there it was. The spoof to end all spoofs. Only as I read it I realised it was NOT a spoof, it was real and I read it with open mouthed incredulity.
And what caused this reaction? A pronouncement from SAGE aka the Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies – Gov. UK. Now a sage, apart from being a herb you use in stuffing, is a person famed for wisdom and venerated for the possession of judgement and experience. Never was a group more inaptly named…
They have issued a list of rules for this Christmas which have been met with widespread derision and hoots of laughter, immediately followed by fury at the bone headed attitude displayed by what is obviously a bunch of middle class, overpaid civil servants who have no idea of real life and who probably read glossy magazines.
Here are some of the SAGE suggestions
Put Granny at the end of the table that is nearest the window
WHO is this Granny that is constantly being referred to by the Government? They seem to think she is a dribbling, grey haired, incontinent old hag who has to be humoured and spoken to loudly and treated like an imbecile. There is never any mention of a Grandad…
Open the WIndows to keep your home as well ventilated as possible.
Yes of course and make sure that Granny is put close to this wide open window. She will probably get pneumonia and die and they will put on her death certificate that she died of Covid thus boosting the figures
Have drinks outside by a fire pit instead of watching TV indoors.
A FIRE PIT? FFS a FIRE PIT? WHO has a fire pit in their back garden? that is of course if you have a garden. If you live in a flat then you might find this rather difficult. And if you have children I would suggest a fire pit is the last thing you want handy.
Have two Christmas Tables so you can socially distance.
As I said if you have a small house or flat this might be a bit difficult. I presume if you want extra sprouts you have to lob them across the room so you do not infect each other
Sing Christmas carols at a social distance, FACING THE SAME WAY
Yes folks I suggest you all stand in a row facing the wall and bellowing out God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen. It will give you a laugh if nothing else.
Take your own plates and put them in the dishwasher yourself.
OK so you have sat down with your nearest and dearest, no more than six, and had your dinner and talked and laughed and BREATHED over each other but somehow one person collecting the dishes is going to cause you all to catch the Plague? And don't forget to get Granny to take her own plate if she hasn't frozen to death. She will probably be glad of the chance to get warm. .
There is a lot more in the same vein but I really cannot be bothered to rant any more. It is exhausting. The utter futility of getting your head around the stupid, ludicrous rules and regulations trotted out on a daily basis by our current Government defies belief and they wonder why they are being ignored.
I am spending Christmas with my family. No doubt when I come home I will have to bathe in disinfectant and self isolate in sack cloth and ashes for a month.
I sent this list to my daughter so she could prepare for The Big Day and she emailed me this response:
"We're getting a tent ready for you in the garden mum and will be feeding you Christmas dinner through a long tube"
No doubt if I sent this to SAGE they would think it a pretty good idea……..
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